HMQ meets Obama – the transcript leaks

Ahead of the G20, an elderly lady who has seen every state paper since 1952 meets a young man who has been in office for less than 100 days.

HMQ: Have you come far?

BO: From Regents Park.

HMQ: Oh.  I thought you lived in America.

BO: Indeed.

HMQ: We do not have long as you are running late as usual.  I really do not understand what has been going on.  All I get from my PM are platitudes and half truths.  He treats me as if I do not understand the mess he has got my people into.  He is the least acceptable of all my Prime Ministers, he can be rude and has this tendency of throwing his mobile across the room when I meet him.  So I had my Governor of the Bank of England in for a chat last week. I was horrified and confused with what he had to say.

BO: I share your concerns and confusion.

HMQ: Basically he confirmed that it was all my Prime Minister’s fault.  He set up the regulatory system that caused the present economic mess and is pursuing the wrong policies to rectify the situation.  I was very upset when my Governor mentioned that my Kingdom is virtually bankrupt.  He also said the you were following what my PM is doing and that was also wrong.

BO: I cannot possibly be rude to my host at this summit.  If I may be candid.

HMQ:  Please.  Nothing leaks from meetings at this level.

BO: The G20 is not a priority for me.  It is Brown’s show to save his premiership.  My people tell me he is not going to win the election and that is why I was determined to meet David Cameron.

HMQ: Indeed. I like him.

BO: My main aim during this visit is to kick off my relationships with all world leaders, especially with China and Russia. It is much easier to do this in one place.  The travel to meet them is so tedious.

HMQ: Don’t I know it.  I used to have a yacht until Brown sold that off with all my gold.  At least you have your own plane.  When I go overseas now I have to share a plane with my people.  It is very undignified.

BO: Do I detect that there is something you wish me to do?

HMQ: There is. My people are angry with my Government but they need to be convinced to vote for David.  America has a reputation for destabilising countries.  You use the CIA for such tasks.  You may not have heard of them as you are new to the job.  I just wonder if you could come up with a plan to ensure the Tories are assured of victory.  Nothing violent you understand.  My people just need to be nudged in the right direction.

BO: I will look into this and come back to you.

HMQ: That would be good.  We could in fact meet in a few weeks to discuss your proposals.  I travel to the States incognito a few times a year to visit my stud farms.  I will just pop to the White House for a chat.  Don’t make a fuss about this, I have been slipping security for years on private trips.  I have much experience.

They leave the room together to join the other world leaders.

Brown: How did it go?

HMQ: Wonderfully.  It is all fixed.

Brown: What is?

HMQ: I am sorry but conversations are private between Heads of State.