26 July 2009

Brown’s new image. Does the nation want it?

All is revealed.  Mandrake has the exclusive news.  Our Dear Leader has a a little local difficulty with his teeth:

Most people do it in their sleep, but you can see Gordon doing it during the day, too," whispers my man in Whitehall. "Up close, some of his teeth are already looking quite jagged. It's a classic sign of stress and frustration, and, in all the circumstances, I suppose it's hardly surprising that he's started doing it.

However, Brown will not be depending on any old NHS helpline to solve the problem:

The Prime Minister's dentist is believed to be Mervyn Drurian, of the exclusive London Centre for Cosmetic Dentistry in Hampstead, north London, but he was the soul of discretion when Mandrake called. If it is the case that Brown has become a grinder, then Drurian is likely to recommend an occlusal splint, which Brown would have to insert into his mouth at bedtime. The device tends to make the wearer look a bit like Hannibal Lecter, but it does protect the teeth from wear and reduce jaw muscle activity, and – good news for Sarah, perhaps – the noise of teeth grinding.

Apart from benefiting Sarah, the splint could be a daytime blessing for us all if he forgets to remove it.  That way he can say little and will not be able to put on that false smile.  There will not be any further YouTube delights.  His poll ratings may even improve.  Alan Johnson will not be needed after all.

Should he keep it in?  Let’s have a national debate to kick off the silly season.

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1 comment:

  1. Would it stop him talking? If so it should be stapled to his face.