What Brown and Blair talked about

It had to happen.  Brown has swallowed what pride he has left and summoned the last elected Labour leader and three times election winner in for a fireside chat.

This made me laugh:

Sources said that they did not discuss election timing or strategy, but the conversation did cover domestic politics.

So what did they talk about?  Perhaps the conversation went something like this.

TB arrived at No10 and many of the staff remarked he had put on weight since leaving office.  I can exclusively reveal that he was wearing a padded suit, having heard about flying mobile phones and the odd broken laser printer.

GB: Tony, How are you?

TB: Fine, just fine.  You?

GB: Not so good.  How is the Middle East going?

TB: A bit like the Labour party really.  Everybody hates each other.  The various factions all jockey for position and are not focused on the real problems facing the region.  All they are interested in is survival and dividing lines.  There is no strategic thought, just short-term tactical manoeuvres which the other side sees coming.  I just try and keep focused on the big picture and not get bogged down with personalities.

GB: (wondering what TB is banging on about)  As you don't spend much time in the UK, how up to speed are you with what is going on here?

TB: A little.  Rupert phones me occasionally and Alastair of course.  Mind you, he has become rather obsessed with the football of late.

GB: I know, he is not focused.  I was furious the other week.  He couldn't make my weekly strategy meeting due to some match at Burnley.  He left a note that was not passed on in time.

TB: What was the note about?

GB: To beware of YouTube.

TB: Oh, that was funny.  Did you do it for Comic Relief?  It would have been better if you had done it with Catherine Tate.  That was probably what Alastair was going to tell you.

GB: (trying very hard to keep calm and not reach in his pocket for his mobile)  Do you speak with Mandy?

TB: He makes a call every night as he can’t sleep.

GB: Is he worried about something?

TB: You, the polls and that fact that he gets no mail.

GB: I will have a little chat with him.

TB: Time is getting on.  Did you want anything specific?

GB: (pointing to an empty file on his desk)  Your expenses whilst you were an MP.

TB: Oh that.  I burnt all the evidence that day I left office.  It was the only sensible thing to do.

GB: (now trying to reach for his mobile)  I am worried about June and the election.

TB: (hearing a car horn going off in Downing Street)  I must go.  Cherie is picking me up.  Look, I had dinner with Alan Johnson the other night and gave him all the advice I could.  He said he would pass it on to you in due course.

GB: You did what!

TB: Must go.  All the best for the future.

GB: I haven't finished.

TB: See you.  Mustn't be late.  We are dining with the Dave and Sam.  I will send your regards.